The Asura HiME
by vin.fireclaw
Summary: Shizuru and Natsuki manage to find a brief moment of peace in this transitory and ever changing universe.


A/N: This story is a summation of all the the Mai universes. This means it draws on all the various canons so, if you're familiar with them, I'm sure you'll catch the references. The fic itself technically takes place during/after the PC/ps2 game, but knowing specific details isn't required. A plot mechanic of the game you should be aware of, however, is that unlike in the anime, when a HiME dies/kills herself, her Child doesn't disappear with her. It instead goes and attacks the HiME's MIP.

Anyway, this fic technically leaves off and is inspired by the Silver Garden doujinshi scanlated by Wings of Yuri called "End of Midsummer." If you aren't familiar with their site, once there, click on the downloads tab and then search for the title. You don't have to read it, but I think it's a great work and it has an amazing atmosphere.

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**The Asura HiME**

At first, the world around me is pitch black. When I open my eyes, I see that I'm back to…to wherever this is. I'm standing in a green, open meadow. Far in the distance, I see a beach. When I turn around, I see a forest with indistinct mountains as a backdrop. I am confused for a moment before all the memories of my past lives return to me. I suppose this is home then. At least, this is the place that we keep returning to after we die. It's no hell, but it's definitely not heaven either. Then again, seeing how the reality we live in doesn't follow Christian laws, I suppose it wouldn't. Poor Yukariko—she has the hardest time accepting this place for what it is as she's usually a Catholic nun.

I spot Haruka in the distance—she's talking to Midori. Their conversation stops for a moment and they turn around and wave at me. Midori's grinning while Haruka wearing her usual boorish expression. Even though we're not close enough to have a conversation, I know what they'd say to me. Well, Haruka usually has little to say and Midori generally asks me if I had a good life and welcomes me back to the base of Sumeru. That's her guess where we are and, by that guess, I suppose that makes us demigods. Asura, to be more specific.

It makes sense in a twisted fashion. Our lives outside of this place are always heavily intertwined and we're usually fighting each other in some shape or manner with some sort of superhuman power. I'm surprised to see Midori though. I tilt my head at her and she shrugs. She draws a line across her neck with her thumb and then smiles sheepishly. As for Haruka, that's a given seeing how I recall that Yukino was the HiME this time around. I point to Haruka and then myself, and both she and Midori nod, understanding. Soon, they stand up and walk towards the beach and leave me to myself.

I am alone. A gentle breeze blows through the meadow and, for some reason, it makes my heart clench. Even though I'm not cold, I shiver and hug my legs. I bury my face in my arms. I feel miserable.

I remember now. This time, Shizuru lost. This time, Shizuru wasn't able to reach me. I wasn't able to cut through my usual self-confusion, obsession, and feelings for revenge in time to acknowledge her either. I had been wounded and she told me to retreat from the battle. I was such an idiot—I should've stayed. And now, regardless, I am dead because Shizuru lost to Mikoto. This time, Shizuru wasn't strong enough. She was too kind, too accepting that I had chosen someone other than her so her resolve weakened. But, because I am dead…

The breeze blows again, stronger now. I sense someone approaching. Of course it would be her. I look up. Shizuru bends down to kiss me. I gladly return it. Her eyes are as gentle and kind as ever when she confesses:

"Natsuki, I love you. My feelings will never change. I just…I would've liked to tell you about them while you were still alive."

What can I do but embrace her as my vision blurs? She's done it again: she's killed herself for me. Because of me. Her body is shaking as much as mine, but she still continues to apologize. Shizuru continues to ask for my forgiveness, saying she was a coward and she wouldn't mind if I got angry at her. I only cling tighter to her, my hands grabbing the material of her jacket as I pull her even closer to me.

"Idiot," I whisper. "Why do you always die for me?"

"Because I love you too much, Natsuki. You know I can't live without you."

"Shizuru…it didn't hurt, did it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Dying."

Even though I can't see her face because mine's buried into her neck, I can still feel her smile. She pats my head affectionately.

"Natsuki's so kind to care so much. It was all right: I knew I would be able to see you again soon. And dying while holding you wasn't so bad. Besides," she giggles almost morbidly, "you could say I'm used to it."

"Idiot," I whisper once more through my tears.

She laughs softly. "Perhaps, but as long as I'm Natsuki's idiot, I do not mind. Forgive me for being such a selfish person."

"Why are you always apologizing? I…I never—I wasn't able to…"

"You had your own troubles to think of, didn't you? The fact that I couldn't reach you in time was my own folly. It's my job to support you and I could not. Kanin na, Natsuki."

She's as self-depreciating as ever and her reasoning never changes. I suppose that's what makes her the most consistent one of us all. Her reincarnations are usually the most similar to each other and her base personality varies the least, unlike mine. As Shizuru would say, my personalities are as sporadic as usual. I'm always changing and, because of this, the strength of our relationship ends up depending so much on me. And that's no good because I'm usually such a narrow-minded fool in life. It's only after I meet Shizuru and our friendship deepens into something more that my personality smoothes out. Shizuru brings the me out in me. But why do I almost never do the same for her? Usually I have to betray or ignore her to the point where she snaps before I get to know her real self.

I wrap my arms around Shizuru neck and kiss her with enough force that we end up falling backwards. She looks up at me and, even though there are still tears in her eyes, all I see is her pure adoration for me. It's…awful and overwhelming.

"Why does it always have to be like this? Why are we always repeating the same things over and over again?" I whisper, my voice still hoarse from crying.

"I suppose that's because we never get it right. None of us do," Shizuru says quietly as she reaches her hand up to wipe the tears from my eyes. I envy her single-minded focus. She's happy now, just because we're together.

"It's so unfair, Shizuru. It's so unfair. Why can't we ever get it right?"

"It's not too bad. I will gladly suffer a thousand lifetimes if it means that I will be able to have you here for one day."

I can't find anything else to say so I just reach down to hug her. She sits up to meet me in my embrace.

"You'll have to forgive me again, Natsuki. I'm rather tired. It's emotionally draining, dying this way. I would like to rest for a little while."

"Stop apologizing, Shizuru. You don't have to for me. You know I'll always forgive you anyway, if there's anything for you to really forgive."

"I suppose that's true. It's selfish for me to say this, but," she looks away from me, "I'm happy that you died when you did. I don't know if I could bear to see you with Takamura-sensei again."

"I'm sorry, Shizuru, that I'm usually so blind."

"It's not your fault. You're too precious to be wasted entirely on me."

I hate when she's in this fatalistic mood. I break out of our embrace. "Shizuru, just go to sleep," I abruptly reply.

Shizuru only smiles sadly before she kisses me once more. It's a slow, lingering one, as if she's trying desperately to memorize the sensation—like it's the last time she'd ever kiss me. "I'm happy that I can do that now," she says before she lies back down and closes her eyes. She falls asleep almost instantaneously which makes me smile, despite my mood. For all her teasing, it's Shizuru whose more skillful at falling asleep virtually anywhere. She just hides that part of herself better than I do. Then again, that too is characteristic of her, being so good at hiding things. I roll over and lay down beside her with my hands behind my head.

How many times have we done this, Shizuru? I think this as I stare at her sleeping form. How many times have we danced in this terrible cycle of death and rebirth? In the human world, we always grow up on our separate paths, meet each other, and then cause each other so much emotional turmoil before we ultimately die an unfulfilled life. I don't think we've ever lived past thirty. Even during the times that we manage to get together—those happy times—one of us always ends up getting murdered or something or another which causes the other one to fly into such a rage that we both end up here again. Well, sometimes you manage to escape this part of the cycle and you're reborn again as a powerless human. I suppose that's because your love for me is inherently pure, and you only become obsessed when unfortunate circumstances arise. It's sort of like what happens with Haruka and Yukino. Usually only one of them is here at a time and sometimes they both skip this part entirely. Their friendship, sometimes love, is healthier than ours. So, sometimes I have to wait here—alone—waiting for another chance to drag you back down with me. Then again, I suppose you never need any help. When you return here from your normal life, you always say something about being unfulfilled, like you instinctively felt like you were missing some important part of your life. Then you'll just embrace me and say that you finally found what you were missing.

No matter what happens, we're connected, me and you. I don't know if you could call what we have here forever, but it's pretty damn close.

I turn away from Shizuru and close my eyes. Midori's told me about the whole karma and karmic cycle thing a few times, but I don't get it how it works and applies to us. She admits her theory has holes seeing how we don't quite fit the whole notion either. Though we—if we are asura—are driven and primarily possessed by our emotions, we are only so on earth. Here, we are repentant and remorseful. Even more, the timeline doesn't make sense at all. Sometimes we end up repeating the same Carnival only with slightly different results, or often the setting seems to go back in time. We've gone from being Otome on Earl back to being HiME on Earth. We also sometimes pick up anomalies that differ from the usual players, like Sakuya and Takamura-sensei this time around.

One of Midori's other theories is that this place might actually be the HiME Star or something similar—that our souls are stored in this place like data on a hard drive. The usual HiME are stored in this area and the secondary people somewhere else. I honestly don't really care either way. I can't stand idle, ridiculous theories. Just tell me how I can break this cycle and I'll do it.

Shizuru's right: it is emotionally draining, always ending up like this. I don't feel like myself at all. Then again, unlike Shizuru, I'm not quite sure who I am. What is it that defines me? My unfortunate luck? My love for wolves, mayo, motorcycles, and guns? My harsh exterior which belies my confused inner self?

I stare at my hands. Again, I die before I'm twenty. I focus and will my appearance to change. My hands are now more calloused, older. My form when I was an Otome: my life before the last one. It's one of my happier lifetimes because Shizuru and I got so close, so close before the world went to hell around us again. I actually became an adult and got past the usual teenage angst that haunts me. It's also one of the few times that I got to reach out to Shizuru and not the other way around. I lower my hands and return to my most recent form. There's no specific reason, though I suppose I'm usually the most comfortable in my latest body. Shizuru's the same way, I guess. Most of us are except Alyssa, but that's to be expected. In at least two-third of her reincarnations she's either a six year-old or a bird.

Speaking of Alyssa, maybe our lives are like that song she's always singing. That we're not allowed to love in this accursed cage and everything else that we may think and feel is just a distant fairy tale that we cling onto, hoping that it will one day be true. I have to chuckle at this notion because I don't believe in fairytales. I mean, what would mine be? Someday, my princess Shizuru will come riding on top her purple Kiyohime and rescue me from myself? Or was it the other way around, with me rescuing her? I don't believe in either one. It doesn't fit us. But ridiculous images aside, I suppose the meaning behind Alyssa's song is applicable. Shizuru's always stuck in her love for me that I sometimes don't—can't—return. But this is just speculative ad hoc nonsense too.

I admit I'm being a little melodramatic—it's not always bad. We have many happy memories together. Sometimes our lives are predominately happy and, with those ones, I don't remember how we end up back here. It's like we're destined to be high school students forever. Always repeating similar lives again and again.

I sit up. I'm sick of my roundabout thoughts that go nowhere. Shizuru's still sleeping peacefully. I scoot over and carefully lay her head on my lap without waking her. I don't get to do this often because I'm usually shy and easily flustered in life. But I guess this culmination of my selves—the uber-Natsuki—has gotten over that. This me feels nothing but affection for Shizuru.

The sky above us is clear and blue. Now that I'm paying attention, I see weird two-headed seagulls flying overhead. Around us, I see a few monsters roaming. They leave us alone as they generally do. It's only when we're outside this place, when we call these monsters Orphans, Slaves, and similar names, that we clash.

"Yo Kuga."

I turn to face Nao who seemingly materialized out of nowhere. Then again, she probably did. "You just get here?" I ask.

"Yeah," she sits down next to me. "Serves me right for trying to backstab Mikoto without a Child."

"You're as stupid as ever."

Nao takes my comment in stride and quickly snaps back, "I don't want to hear that from a sad and pathetic girl who doesn't know her own sexuality half the time. I can't believe you were being so love-love with Takamura. You would think you would learn, but no."

"S-shut up," I growl, unable to stop my face from turning red. Leave it to Nao to remind me of my blunders.

"Well, whatever, at least you weren't whoring yourself to Tate this time. God, even I felt embarrassed for you then. I was tempted to give you pity pointers and everything, not that it would help someone like you who has lard for female hormones."

"Nao!"

"Oh, be quiet, Kuga. Unless you want to wake up your sleeping beauty down there," Nao gestures lazily to Shizuru before grinning cattishly to me.

"If you weren't dead already, I'd kill you again, Nao."

"I'm flattered, but you can't even handle one woman let alone me, _Natsuki-oneesama_," Nao chuckles, turning into her Otome body for a moment to emphasize her usage of "onee-sama" before reverting back.

We glare at each other for a moment before I sigh, giving up. Whenever we're around each other, we end up falling into this kind of confrontational banter. I admit it's kind of fun. For a brief moment I forget my usual worries. "How's everything down there?" I ask, changing the subject. Time passes differently here and, by the looks of it, it seems to be going a lot faster than in the human world.

"Well, you and Fujino've been dead for a couple of days. The pink-haired loli offed Miyu before Mikoto returned the favor yesterday, which leaves just her and Mai. I was trying to speed the whole thing up—well, fine, I was going for a revenge kill—but Mikoto's too much of a beast even when she's half-asleep. Remind me next time to just poison her ramen and be done with it."

"That's actually a good idea, poisoning her ramen."

"Oh-ho, feeling a bit evil, Kuga?"

"A little. She did kill me and I should return the favor."

"Ah, so that's why I saw Duran running after Takamura the other day. Fujino got defeated so you died, which left your wolfy by his lonesome." Nao's smirk widens when she sees me twitch. She senses a weakness. "Really now, Takamura was your precious person?" she taunts.

"Please don't go into this again, Nao."

"Aw, but why not? It's hilarious. You and Fujino are so pathetic. She just sits back and drinks tea while you chase guys you only think you're interested in. You know, if you hadn't chosen Takamura, both of you would probably still be alive. Fujino would've flip the whole world on its head to protect you. But whatever, I suppose that's why you two never win and it's always up to Mai to save the day. You—

"Yuuki-san, I will not tolerate it if you continue to insult Natsuki," Shizuru says calmly as she sits up.

"Shizuru."

"Whatever, everything's almost over. I'm just passing the time and you should know how fun Kuga is to tease."

Shizuru thankfully doesn't respond to that. She just links her arm around one of mine and lays her head on my shoulder.

"You sleep ok?" I ask her.

"It was pleasant enough," Shizuru says, sighing happily. When I glance up, I see Nao pretending to throw up.

"I'm going to leave before I catch something sickening," Nao says as she stands up.

"I saw Haruka and Midori walking towards the beach a while ago," I offer helpfully.

Nao shrugs and starts walking towards the mountains. "Like I said, this whole thing's almost over. Figured I'd say hi before we're whisked away for Round Whatever-it-is-now. So play nice and don't do anything I wouldn't."

"I don't think you would enjoy what we do," Shizuru responds playfully. Nao turns around and smirks at us before she continues walking. When she gets farther away, Shizuru says idly, "She reminds me a little of you."

"I'm nothing like her," I say, pouting slightly.

"Both of you have a hard time saying what you mean. It's rather cute," Shizuru teases, poking my cheek lightly.

"If you keep saying stuff like that, I'm going to get jealous."

"I know. That's why I say it. Jealous Natsuki is so cute. And I can't resist the cute expressions from other girls either."

"Mou, Shizuru."

"But really," Shizuru says, growing serious, "you don't have to take what Yuuki-san says to heart. It's fine if you chase after others. I don't want to burden you or force you to have the same love for me."

So she had heard some of my conversation with Nao. There goes whatever's left of my lighthearted mood. "Why do you always say things like that, Shizuru? You know this is how we're supposed to be."

"Is it?" Shizuru asks, turning so her burgundy-colored eyes look earnestly into mine, "I no longer remember what came first, but—

I kiss her again, shutting her up. "You think too much, Shizuru. Can't you just accept that I'm here with you now?"

"It's not like you don't do the same," Shizuru mutters childishly, looking away. Her grip around my arm tightens even as she says that, betraying her real emotions.

I fall silent; I'm not sure what I should say. Why does it feel like it's always so difficult between us? I don't even know what I can do, after all, Nao's right: I'm the one who's always running off and leaving Shizuru alone. Her thoughts and feelings are probably just as jumbled as mine and, unlike me, she usually doesn't have someone to support her the way I do. Shizuru needs a Shizuru or something.

Asura, reincarnation, the HiME—besides all of that stuff, the things that don't matter—what is it that drives us? Every one of us HiME are possessed by intense passions, ones we don't ever seem to manage, resolve, or break free from. Nao's arrogance, Shizuru's obsessive love, my misguided emotions…these are what perpetuates the cycle and allows it to repeat. I want to end this, but then, maybe I agree with Shizuru's mentality. That it doesn't matter that we keep suffering as long as there are brief moments of happiness scattered here and there.

But I can't be satisfied by that either. Shizuru's always saying she's selfish, but I'm just as selfish as she is. I want everything—I want it all.

"Shizuru," I begin; however, before I can finish, the world around us shakes and everything turns into a dull gold color.

"Looks like Mai-san is finished," Shizuru says calmly, letting go of my arm to stand up. I can't read her expression anymore; she's put up her mask. I stand up and grab her arm. We're already slowly dissolving, breaking down into tiny green pieces of data.

"Shizuru, this time, I'll, I'll—

I'll be the one that saves you. This time, it'll be different. This time, we'll find our happiness. I wish I could've said these things before we completely disappeared.


End file.
